I need to up my quest on being happy.

I woke up this morning not feeling rested, kinda crabby, feeling unresolved and it took me a few to get my brain to calm down from the hamster thrashing it’s way on my membrane. It’s my birthday and I should be stoked but yet I feel like funk. It’s been a rough go and I always bust my A$$ to be positive, give energy off and motivate those around me. But today I need that back. I can’t remember somebody charging me up and giving me their energy, their passion, their positive vibes. A book I read awhile back was called “Zapp”. It is about two different type of people. Those that zapp and those that sapp. Sapp’ers are those that take energy from you, they exhaust you, they make you feel blah. Zapp’ers on the other hand ignite the inner being you, those crazy awesome ideas just glow like liquid gold. It’s quite awesome when you get zapped. It’s like wow. You can’t be a zapper all the time but you can look fir others to refuel you so you can return to zapping.

Today as I look around I realize that I’m either not opening myself up to others that can zapp me or I’m searching for happiness to hard. Like a Bull in a china shop. Smashing stuff and not realizing that I’m killing my own happiness. So. Today I’m taking a change of vantage point. I am deciding to “seek not, want not” and I will focus on working on my personal happiness. I will open myself up more to those around me and let the China be swept up to bring a new level of piece.

Yah. Not what I was expecting to write on my birthday. But as those that know me, know I speak from my heart. I do my best to be transparent.

So. Happiness on 3…..2…..1…… jk.

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What am I excited about?

Well.   over the last month I’ve tried to write, tried to blog, tried to express the chaos in my brain and I just decided to NOT, I decided to just whine, moan, complain, bit&h about it.  I’ve decided to just focus on what I’m excited about, what I am happy for, what makes me jump out of bed everyday ready to tackle the days challenges & feel the success of it all.

so..  with that in mind..  I’m excited about:

  • Watching my youngest rock in basketball and he keeps going after it.
  • Being a part of my daughters life and seeing her grow as an adult and watching her make her path.   plus she’s got my sense of humor which is pretty awesome.. (just saying)
  • & of course what day wouldn’t be complete with thinking about the big cat (my oldest) and how he’s grown so much in the last 4 years that I can’t wait to see where he’s going next.   I have to stop and think about when I was his age, I had him, his mother & I were just scraping to get by and every day was like a new day to conquer the world.  Now I see him at that age, doing more than I could ever do at his age and he’s owning his future.   I am so proud of him.
  • what else am I excited about?
  • Having a home this year to make Christmas what is has lacked the last 8 years.   I already have started the decoration purchases (no they are not up yet), but I can’t wait to make this home a Christmas bonanza. Including a sick awesome Lego village setup complete w/ houses, villages, etc.  It shall be EPIC..
  • Planning out 2019 to camp more, hit the best beach spots w/ the RV and making new memories, which reminds me I need to get my booking dates lined up so i can go online on the right night to purchase them.
  • Meeting new friends in 2019, fun to say that, but I truly believe that next year I will meet more people that will influence and change my life.  Last few years have been challenging with friends breaking my trust, abusing my kindness and my perseverance has taught me to move forward, let it go, realize it was not the best for me and find peace in the situation. I do truly hope those that have done this find their peace, I forgive you.   I also hope that those that I have not been at my best forgive me as well.
  • Being down 30 lbs, yah 30. If I execute to my doctors request I have 20-25 to go and when that happens I will be down to almost pre-kid weight.. holy crappa.   the good news right now is that my wetsuits fit great, my pants barely stay on (hello belts) and my energy level increases daily (except when I’m traveling 3/4 of the time..   october was rough).  anyways…..

that is the top of my list of being excited about.   I know there’s more to add, but the sun is out, the kayaks are packed and time to wake up the kid to get to the lake to paddle around.

next time you feel like crappa, think about what you are excited about, what is coming up in the future and relish in those feelings & emotions.  Happiness comes from within and it shines thru.   so..  Shine ON!!!


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Hearing that right song at the right time.

Life has a way of wreaking havoc on you. Whether it’s that broken heart, that challenge at work or it’s that heart pain that drives you to ER all day. The pain seems to have no end at some points. But. Then you hear that song. That one that gives you the courage to stand up, the one that makes you laugh, that one that makes you smile in that amazing memory. I am so thankful for music and how it can change your entire mood.

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Today is a day about reflection

I tried so hard to sleep in today, to get more rest, to wake up with an extra bounce in my step (yah. x-tra tigger mode). But yet I woke up early, stretched and decided to finish out this new show.  This new show I was given a sticky note 2 weeks ago w/ the name on it from a peer at work.  She said “you have to check this out” and I am so glad that I did.  I was a little absorbed in watching in these last two weeks but as the show came to end this morning I cried.  It swelled a lot of emotions with me and I had to stop and say why am I crying (seriously).    I quickly rolodexed my thoughts, flipping thru each one like was that why? how about this one?   was it my mom, was it failures, was it missing my kids, was it missing the woman I love, was it feelings of joy of the home I have created, was it the challenges in my new role @ work, was it.. was it.. was it..   darn that rolodex was full of ‘was it’ and I had to stop that entire process and just breathe.   I am human, I have feelings and this morning was about just letting that all go and letting me feel.

This morning as I sit in my living room, looking at a table I built, looking around at the Family Pub like environment I have created that is ready for awesome memories I think dang.. I did it.  I finally did it.   It took me a long time to get here but this is not the end of the journey this is just a milestone and I get that.  This show I watched had a lot of tearing down, building back up of businesses and relationships.  That resonated with me, I have gone through so many changes so many different experiences that I need to let that sink in.   With each experience I grow more, I learn more, I embrace more, but I don’t do well on taking it all in at the moment.  No, this is not a “youv’e read to much of your self help books josh”.  This is real.   This moment right now I am thankful of everything to get me here, my family, my health, my relationships, my work, my passions, my drive.

Last week i received a text I would never imagine that I would ever get.   before I say it, let me set the back drop.  My mom recently had a medical emergency, my brother, my dad & I all rallied to the hospital.   The end result was that my mom needs to relax more (that is my non professional opinion).     I know she was stressed after and dang how the brain fools you with making you think something is happening again.   for example, after my heart surgery (the 2nd time) I kept feeling like it was happening again & again & again. .It was like ground hogs day over & over again.. it was seriously crappy, but after much meditation and refocusing I found my path thru that and now after 6 months I feel so much better.   For her she was just starting that pattern and I got a tip that this was happening..  So, i reached out to her and explained what i had gone thru and that my mind was playing havoc on my anxiety and kept fooling me into thinking it was happening again.  I told her it was normal, and that she can control that.    she said   “you are very wise”.    OMG what?  nope. I’ve lived thru so much crap that it would take a lifetime to write it down.   but  yet i cried and I still am getting teared up right now thinking about that.   They raised me, they created my life, they shaped me, but now I realized that after I left home my journey is mine, my shaping, influences, fun, destruction, happiness, sadness were through my journey.    So what’s my point?   We are all wise from our journeys.   Be kind to others and listen, their experiences have nuggets that can help you.   back to my mom.   I’m just glad she is doing better.

I was asked recently how my new role is going and I said it will be great in 2 months, the best job ever.   Then i was reminded friday from a really good friend that if your not challenged you will be bored.   Darn he was right.  is this the best job ever?  I’ll answer that now.    This job has made me pull every bloody scrap of knowledge from my brain, from tech, leadership, analytics, thinking, math, programming, partnerships, strategy, writing, communicating, etc..    I am using everything, it is exhausting, hard, tough, but DAMN it is rewarding.   I could have not done this role prior, now is the time and I am glad that I have been through everything prior to this to make me ready.   My only gotcha is that I need to embrace when my brain hurts, when my ideas fail me, when I can’t ponder how to fix “it”, I need to stop and say ‘this is awesome’.   so..   I love my job, I love what I do, I love it and I will recognize that better.

Okay..  time to shut the flap (close the laptop), get some coffee/water & figure out what awesome memory my son and I will create today..      I hope you have a great day, or whatever day/time you are reading this you enjoy that day, that time, that moment.. cry, feel things, be real, let go and be you..


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Live. One life. So do it.

As I reflect on the last month all I can say is wow. Transitions galore. Life has been crazy busy and now the calm, I’m sure before the next storm.

But before the storm arrives let’s just take a deep breathe and say heck yah. The new house is great, new job role is rough but good, and the kids are all doing amazing.

It is so hard to just stop and say wow. Look what I’ve accomplished.

So today I do just that. Embracing the now.

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I guess saying I can’t do something makes me say “watch me”

There’s times in life where you hunt for something, you keep searching and then finally you stop. You tell yourself I won’t find it, I will have to create it and pour my heart, mind and body into it.

Today is that day, now is that time. I am creating what I want.

I wish you the same.


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Finding my way back.

As I start thinking about next weekend and taking a break from house projects to get outside, I desire to find the next lake, a new lake, somewhere I haven’t been before to see a new place, a new town, possibly a new brewery.  I’m not sure where to go yet, but having a NorCal Map is my starting place.   I hope to explore more, wander a lot this next weekend and make new experiences that I can bring back to my blog.

how does this relate to finding my way back?  well, I’m finding my way back on a lot of fronts.   Health, Peace, Happiness, Family.  I am looking forward to the next 4 months.


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Thinking road trip to somewhere

As I sit here in my comfy chair, listening to “keep the wolves away”, I start to think about how hard my parents worked their entire lives to keep my brother & I fed, housed and on a great path.   The times were different, the money was not something we talked about and I can say that everything I experienced is what made me who I am in my core, my values and my moral compass.   While life has changed, the battles have endured, the loves have been lost, my core remains intact and I am keeping the wolves away.   What do I mean by wolves? The challenges, the hatred, the negativity, the crap…

so how does this correlate to road trip hilly?   Well..   I think it’s time to plan a road trip w/ the kids to adventure new places, new towns, new roads.   No. not right now.  school is about to start.  I’m just thinking of starting to plan something magical, with seeing all three kids in one place at one time and enjoying this great country.    I’m thinking of pulling my RV to a few good scenic areas & meet up w/ my older kids as we go..   I think I can pull it off. . Just needs a little bit of planning on the stops, but will keep it fluid so that making a right or left turn off the path is a-ok..

How does this relate to the first paragraph?  well.  a lot of my great memories of growing up were in the back of the VW van on the road exploring into the national parks, Canada, all parts of California.

Wander on!

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Yup. Your mind is your pain point some days.

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Great learning from today.

Earlier this week I went paddle boarding up in Auburn ( it was amazing ), and I jumped into the water, or should I say I feel backwards on purpose to get wet since it was so HOT.  I heard a POP sound in one of my ears and finally today I decided to go see the doctor to see what is up (not painful, but irritating) with it.  before I get to the results, all my heart, pulse & weight #s are PRIMO!.    My heart is beating at a great rate, BP is actually better than good, almost EPIC.   AS for my weight, well i’ve kept it at the same # for 3 months’, so It’s time to dial up my workouts & continue my quest to eat better ( slow & steady is my path on this one – not freaking out over a pound here or there, just changing my habits).

okay.. back to the ear.   He checked it out and said that I should probably not fly any where for a bit, but no rupture, no major fluid and I’m cleared to go swim/snorkel which is great news since I’m headed out there again very very soon.

So what’s the learning?  well the doctor asked me what my heart tattoo was about.  I told him after my heart challenges that my tat is a reminder that every day is a new day, you don’t know how much time you have left so you have to get out there & do what you can.  Whether that be learning something new, paddle boarding, surfing, sky diving, etc…   He said he was having this very conversation with his spouse about if you just work, invest, save for a future retirement that may never come (aka – you wont’ be here anymore).   He shared with me that recently a patient he had was diagnosed with brain cancer and was given a specific amount of time to live.   He said this made a huge impact on him and that he was on the same page now – each day is a gift.. use it..

Here’s the learning.   We all mess up, we all do something we regret, the best is get past it, each day is a new day..  get out there, make a difference, enjoy what you love to do, if you don’t know what gives you passion, then be like “yes man” and try try try..


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