To live in the moment..

As I woke up this morning, I felt a rush of joy, peace, tranquility and relaxation upon me.   I decided to take a moment and remember to enjoy every moment, every passing minute, don’t think too much about the future, just be here in this moment.   I made a mug of coffee in my new starbucks mug (barely used because it was on a different shelf and has been forgotten- but it is now found) and open up the house (yah my house.. I did this!) and reflect on this..  Nobody knows your truth, your pain, your feelings, your courage, your love, your compass as much as you do..  so there is no path that another can tell you to take. it’s your path, your way.. so “Make it your own way” – Walter Mitty.

Why Walter Mitty?  There is so much in this movie, from enjoying moments to having the courage to go after what you want, to taking risks to feel.   As I think about my next adventure (while on sabbatical) I’m planning to do more of this….

Have an amazing Wednesday, June 20th, 2018.   You know you, don’t let anybody else tear you down for whatever reason they are trying to and reflect on the moment.. right here.. right now!..

 

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The lessons are being learned. Just Breathe

I’m jumping right into it..  w/ no delay.   Thursday night as I sat in the airport in Oregon i received some interesting news which would have blue screened me in years prior.  However, I did not, I got irritated, upset & mad.   But I quickly went into taking a big step back and taking it for what it was worth..   It took about a full day to really click my mind into a place where I could move from an “emotional” response to a “business” response.  Now that my mind shifted I am actually giving the sender of the email major props for the # of strategic comments.. I mean it’s quite good and may have created an opportunity for an approval if I was a DA.  However, wrong person to not think I would see thru it all.

So..  I have learned the lesson!   I see thru the emotional jazz to see the real strategy and I have a game plan to go after the next step..    Thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow over the last 7 years and I feel that I can get better at going from UPSET –> Biz mode.

Now.. here’s the song to help me thru it all..    Pearl Jam – Just Breathe   

 

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A new chapter begins.

Well after much planning, thinking and reflecting I decided it’s time to change positions (job role) at work. What is funny is that I am following my own advice and truly listening to what I have been telling my team. Find where the puck is going and re invent yourself if you need to. For me I’m making a shift back to a technical role and shift into true sales. I’m excited, nervous but I am ready to jump in with both feet.

Here’s to more experiences and adventures.

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I bought a house!

First, happy mothers day all.  I hope your day is awesome and you feel appreciated for all that you have done & do daily.   Parenting is a hard job and being a mother is even harder than that.   I wish you goodness all year.

Back to the house.  When i sold my last house I didn’t have a plan beyond just getting my feet back under me and making the constant chaos STOP.   Well it took a little while for that to happen and there were a few new challenges these last two years that could have kicked my butt back to square one.  However, it did not.  Yesterday 5/12 I got the keys to my new house (new to me) and I am seeing all the hard work that I have endured these last two years is starting to pay off.   I know there will be more challenges ahead, however for now I am happy, this house will quickly become my home and a place to get peace.    I know that I have seek’d to build patience and I think I’m getting there.  Whether it’s how I will paint the house, getting movers on their schedule, to just the setup process at the new house.. I am actively being patient.

Okay.. what else?   Well..  Let me get this house a HOME and I will share out some of the photos and experiences that this house will enable.

Have a great day..  give a shout out to your mom, whether here or in heaven…

hilly

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First trip to Lowers Lake Clementine

It was time to get back into the water this weekend, therefore I navigated a packed garage to get my board out and hit Lowers (Lower Lake Clementine).  It was cold, rained for a few minutes, but the logs were away from the dock and the view was incredible.   People on the water?  NOPE>. just me alone which was awesome.   Great reflection time and of course after the paddle I hit a new SUP shop in Auburn (4theoutdoors.com).   They are located right by knee deep & moon raker breweries which couldn’t be more convenient.  I picked up a new board, fin, paddle and some new gear to boost up the old boards..   I’ll post all about that next time, but for now.. here’s a quick JAM session video for yah..

 

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DO you feel me?

Ever since I was in a relationship in 1993, I have been on the “march of life”, meaning to constantly looking ahead, what is next, what needs to happen, where, how, when.. etc.   I see now it was all about moving forward with speed & velocity, whether it was the amount I was making, the house my kids mom desired, to having the yearly vacations that were desired to prove our status.   The reality of “march of life” was a lot, it made for less planning, zero thoughtful reflection and even no true self growth. I can remember how I felt during all of these years and it was exhausting, not a lot of fun and was so much about GO GO GO that the end state was not even worth the march.   I can now truly reflect on my first heart surgery & say WTH was I thinking.. I went from countless procedures to then surgery and tried to go back to work within a few days for what reason? To keep the “march of life” going, to keep going forward and not embrace the reality of today.   I was so caught in the wheel I couldn’t see why I was running beyond “RUN”. I remember not feeling complete after surgery, the support was MIA @ Home, my kids were awesome, but not equipped at that age to help me through the dark times of post-surgery.   I was not complete, I didn’t get a chance to stop, reflect, learn about myself and find out how I changed from a teenager to a 30 year old with new needs, health, thoughts, etc…

I’m choosing to fast forward thru a few chapters to having that same feeling w/ wife #2, the “march of life” was on, I didn’t even give myself a moment after the first relationship to be me, to reflect, get comfortable with who I was, know what makes me tick.. Instead I ran forward with a renewed spirit of GO GO GO.  I’ve said before what happened here or at least enough to know it was not the best situation from my family.   So I move from that to more GO GO GO, I start to focus on what is next, thinking ahead ahead ahead..   present is for the past (etc).. but I didn’t get the message that I needed to STOP, Listen & reflect.   I hit a few walls and literally messed up my body (from skating, moto riding, bicycling, etc..) and I kept coming back harder & ready to GO, but I didn’t stop and say.   “WTH”.   As you can imagine, this is a build up.. so here goes..

In January ’18, I thought I was being cool going in for a proactive physical and I knew that it was going to be a SH&& Show, I just didn’t know how much it would be.   I was working that morning, I took in a few cups of coffee, hit an espresso shot and headed off to the doctors. (coffee – why not before you get a physical – DA&&).   After spending a few moments of pleasantry it was time for the blood pressure.. this when the fireworks started.. I was running HOT, really HOT on my BP, so it went right to EKG and then it was a “drive to ER NOW!, tell them you are tacking”.   OMFG – what?   3 days later I was released from the hospital and it was like a small smack, but the reality of what was to come was not even present in mind.   I kept rocking “march of life”, let’s go baby..   back to work, back to crappy ish food and of course hops..   I kept it going strong without taking a moment until the call came in, early march..   We have a cancelled apt we can do your surgery next Friday..   OH F. wait what? When?   Okay.. let’s rock it.. thinking..   “march of life baby”.. let’s get it done and keep getting back to the future.

Well.. it didn’t go that way, not at all.   Surgery was brutal for all involved, 10 hours inside of my heart, intensity 10x.   I woke up dazed, confused and was still in a “let’s GO”. That’s done now.. but that was not the plan for me..     My heart needed and still needs more healing.   Over the course of the first week the daily/nightly challenges were never ending and I didn’t remember how brutal it was.   Challenges included: Breathing, eating, bathroom, walking, headaches, muscle atrophy, .. I sound like I’m 90 years old, but holy moly it was brutal.   Instead of taking each on and going for the GO GO GO. I decided to figure out exactly why it was happening, what I could do to remedy (both meds & natural) and then worked each towards a solution.   For two nights I had my dad’s spare CPAP machine blowing oxygen into my lungs which was a God sends, a few nights my headaches were straight out of a grinder with so much pressure, but the best (sarcasm) is when I started one of many new meds that the next day I called my doctor and said I didn’t sleep well.. she said “you had nightmares didn’t you”..   um yah.. it was straight up from a biblical apocalypse, woke up sweated out and screaming.. yah… that was not fun.. but now that meds is a NO GO for me.. This is just the highlights, the rest was just more learnings for me.

So.   I made the mistake of jumping on email and was quickly corrected to stop, which I do appreciate. My stress of not working was so CRAZY HIGH “march of life”.. GO GO GO.. that not until I got corrected I was still worrying about everything at work instead of fully embracing what was happening with me.   I finally had to let it go and know that my co-workers, boss & partners have my back. I need to get fully healthy & then return when it’s time.   Okay. so now I’m 2 days into seeing recovery working, I’ve been to the gym, I’ve lost 15 pounds (more to go), I’m eating better than my entire adulthood, I’m spending more time thinking through what I’m doing and I have really enjoyed spending present time (phone or in person) with my grown kids.

What does this all mean? I feel for the first time in my adulthood I am taking time for me, to learn, reflect, feel and understand than I ever have.   I am appreciative of my mindful training, my exec coach and all the prep to have tools available that have helped me.   I am appreciative for all the time at church growing up, yes I have prayed a lot during the last few weeks and I am glad I have that upbringing.   So where now? Well I’m in the middle of it right now.. I have 1.5 weeks til I return to work, I havent’ slept a full night yet ( that’s my goal ) and I’d like to really feel every feeling that is happening.. “be present”.  While I have not fully shifted from “march of life” to something else I know that the future will not be a conveyor belt of GO GO GO.

Thank you for listening..   I had to get these words down tonight to be present with these thoughts and feel it!.

HILLY

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Social breaks.

I decided to take a small break from social media to focus on the next few months of activities ahead. I know the road ahead has great things and a few “embrace the suck” items that will test my peace.

So why take a break? Well. I had an “embrace the suck” moment this week and I failed miserably at keeping my cool, staying level headed and I blue screened. I was not happy with myself and I realize I have more work to do to achieve my inner zen. I’m hoping to get some ocean time soon and reflect on how I can achieve more strength.

I hope to still write and share my journey here as always.

Hilly.

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Why you gotta be so mean?

Over the last few weeks I have been in a few encounters that have really challenged me to keep my mindfulness.   What I mean is that I have been in situations where I meet somebody or see somebody I know and have been completely brushed off.   Not a classic brush off, but a “nose” up i’m better than you behavior.    I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until it happened a few times and it wasn’t just with one individual it was a few different folks.    so.. I had to stop and really think that maybe i’m the problem, maybe i’m giving off a bad vibe that is translating into a mirror coming back to me..  I spent a few days after each encounter to think about what I said, how I came across and I finally closed that I am being normal, but I need to not take anothers reaction as a negative to me, vs. just their reality at that moment.  I don’t know what’s going on with them nor should I judge or translate the behavior.

So..  as I continue to get more mindful, here is one thing I can say..    Be Nice to others.   know how you come across.   don’t be mean or turn your nose up if another doesn’t meet your criteria for whatever..  just be nice..

  • I accept things that I can’t change.
  • I accept those around me for what & who they are.
  • I accept that I am still a student in being mindful and I continue to learn.
  • I accept that life is too short to let small stuff bother me and I let it go!

HILLY

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Laugh like there is no tomorrow

I can’t remember the last time that I had such a great weekend, from lumineers, moonraker, Christmas gift wrapping, shopping, infusion, etc..

However, one thing that has made this weekend even more than anything is the great laughter, I laughed so hard last night and it made me remember how good it is to laugh, to stop being so serious and just enjoy the experience as they come.

What else?   I’m still learning every day and while some learnings are more sporty than others, I will keep learning and grow!     HILLY

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Search not, want not, seek not, being good with being present

Finding my happiness again.

I am a bit surprised at myself for having this blog to even write. I find myself not that happy recently with how things are going (work, life, finances, etc..) and I realize that I need to fix my outlook, my outward presence and definitely learn to love where I am at more than I am. I was thinking about going on a trip, starting a new hobby, joining a new social group and for me I think what I’m going to focus on is the “path to buying my house”. I know there is much I can do, plan and execute on just for the path to get there, so why not make this my focus. And.. with that find my happiness in the journey, not the end state, but rather how I get to the house. So where to start?

  • Less is More ! – it’s time to down size even more of what I have so that moving is easier and just focus on what I really need for my family. I really need to purge from the house so that there is no clutter, I mean there is not a lot of clutter right now, but I want to reduce even more.
  • Reduce my financial stress – with major changes ahead, daughter turned 18, house, etc.. I feel that if I can only work on my finances one day a week or twice a month I can reduce the stress that I put into my financial planning. Checking the account daily is great if you are super paranoid, however it is a drain on my system.
  • Surround myself with positive people – I own this and I know I can do this, I just needed a good reminder to look around and surround myself with positive people that help ZAPP me into action so we can feed off each other. I think I got into a routine slump that doesn’t help with finding happiness.. so it’s time to start.
  • Workout & Nutrients – I started with a great cleanse, it went well, my body loved it, but after a few holiday’s it was quick to scale back a little bit and I need to keep strong on my routine. When I’m in a routine for workout & health I feel spectacular.

Now I’m off to travel for a few days and of course I packed my workout bands, nutrients, and planning to focus on my attitude to get to more positivity & happiness. Here’s to what I learn on this next journey ahead.

HILLY

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