DO you feel me?

Ever since I was in a relationship in 1993, I have been on the “march of life”, meaning to constantly looking ahead, what is next, what needs to happen, where, how, when.. etc.   I see now it was all about moving forward with speed & velocity, whether it was the amount I was making, the house my kids mom desired, to having the yearly vacations that were desired to prove our status.   The reality of “march of life” was a lot, it made for less planning, zero thoughtful reflection and even no true self growth. I can remember how I felt during all of these years and it was exhausting, not a lot of fun and was so much about GO GO GO that the end state was not even worth the march.   I can now truly reflect on my first heart surgery & say WTH was I thinking.. I went from countless procedures to then surgery and tried to go back to work within a few days for what reason? To keep the “march of life” going, to keep going forward and not embrace the reality of today.   I was so caught in the wheel I couldn’t see why I was running beyond “RUN”. I remember not feeling complete after surgery, the support was MIA @ Home, my kids were awesome, but not equipped at that age to help me through the dark times of post-surgery.   I was not complete, I didn’t get a chance to stop, reflect, learn about myself and find out how I changed from a teenager to a 30 year old with new needs, health, thoughts, etc…

I’m choosing to fast forward thru a few chapters to having that same feeling w/ wife #2, the “march of life” was on, I didn’t even give myself a moment after the first relationship to be me, to reflect, get comfortable with who I was, know what makes me tick.. Instead I ran forward with a renewed spirit of GO GO GO.  I’ve said before what happened here or at least enough to know it was not the best situation from my family.   So I move from that to more GO GO GO, I start to focus on what is next, thinking ahead ahead ahead..   present is for the past (etc).. but I didn’t get the message that I needed to STOP, Listen & reflect.   I hit a few walls and literally messed up my body (from skating, moto riding, bicycling, etc..) and I kept coming back harder & ready to GO, but I didn’t stop and say.   “WTH”.   As you can imagine, this is a build up.. so here goes..

In January ’18, I thought I was being cool going in for a proactive physical and I knew that it was going to be a SH&& Show, I just didn’t know how much it would be.   I was working that morning, I took in a few cups of coffee, hit an espresso shot and headed off to the doctors. (coffee – why not before you get a physical – DA&&).   After spending a few moments of pleasantry it was time for the blood pressure.. this when the fireworks started.. I was running HOT, really HOT on my BP, so it went right to EKG and then it was a “drive to ER NOW!, tell them you are tacking”.   OMFG – what?   3 days later I was released from the hospital and it was like a small smack, but the reality of what was to come was not even present in mind.   I kept rocking “march of life”, let’s go baby..   back to work, back to crappy ish food and of course hops..   I kept it going strong without taking a moment until the call came in, early march..   We have a cancelled apt we can do your surgery next Friday..   OH F. wait what? When?   Okay.. let’s rock it.. thinking..   “march of life baby”.. let’s get it done and keep getting back to the future.

Well.. it didn’t go that way, not at all.   Surgery was brutal for all involved, 10 hours inside of my heart, intensity 10x.   I woke up dazed, confused and was still in a “let’s GO”. That’s done now.. but that was not the plan for me..     My heart needed and still needs more healing.   Over the course of the first week the daily/nightly challenges were never ending and I didn’t remember how brutal it was.   Challenges included: Breathing, eating, bathroom, walking, headaches, muscle atrophy, .. I sound like I’m 90 years old, but holy moly it was brutal.   Instead of taking each on and going for the GO GO GO. I decided to figure out exactly why it was happening, what I could do to remedy (both meds & natural) and then worked each towards a solution.   For two nights I had my dad’s spare CPAP machine blowing oxygen into my lungs which was a God sends, a few nights my headaches were straight out of a grinder with so much pressure, but the best (sarcasm) is when I started one of many new meds that the next day I called my doctor and said I didn’t sleep well.. she said “you had nightmares didn’t you”..   um yah.. it was straight up from a biblical apocalypse, woke up sweated out and screaming.. yah… that was not fun.. but now that meds is a NO GO for me.. This is just the highlights, the rest was just more learnings for me.

So.   I made the mistake of jumping on email and was quickly corrected to stop, which I do appreciate. My stress of not working was so CRAZY HIGH “march of life”.. GO GO GO.. that not until I got corrected I was still worrying about everything at work instead of fully embracing what was happening with me.   I finally had to let it go and know that my co-workers, boss & partners have my back. I need to get fully healthy & then return when it’s time.   Okay. so now I’m 2 days into seeing recovery working, I’ve been to the gym, I’ve lost 15 pounds (more to go), I’m eating better than my entire adulthood, I’m spending more time thinking through what I’m doing and I have really enjoyed spending present time (phone or in person) with my grown kids.

What does this all mean? I feel for the first time in my adulthood I am taking time for me, to learn, reflect, feel and understand than I ever have.   I am appreciative of my mindful training, my exec coach and all the prep to have tools available that have helped me.   I am appreciative for all the time at church growing up, yes I have prayed a lot during the last few weeks and I am glad I have that upbringing.   So where now? Well I’m in the middle of it right now.. I have 1.5 weeks til I return to work, I havent’ slept a full night yet ( that’s my goal ) and I’d like to really feel every feeling that is happening.. “be present”.  While I have not fully shifted from “march of life” to something else I know that the future will not be a conveyor belt of GO GO GO.

Thank you for listening..   I had to get these words down tonight to be present with these thoughts and feel it!.

HILLY

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Social breaks.

I decided to take a small break from social media to focus on the next few months of activities ahead. I know the road ahead has great things and a few “embrace the suck” items that will test my peace.

So why take a break? Well. I had an “embrace the suck” moment this week and I failed miserably at keeping my cool, staying level headed and I blue screened. I was not happy with myself and I realize I have more work to do to achieve my inner zen. I’m hoping to get some ocean time soon and reflect on how I can achieve more strength.

I hope to still write and share my journey here as always.

Hilly.

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Why you gotta be so mean?

Over the last few weeks I have been in a few encounters that have really challenged me to keep my mindfulness.   What I mean is that I have been in situations where I meet somebody or see somebody I know and have been completely brushed off.   Not a classic brush off, but a “nose” up i’m better than you behavior.    I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until it happened a few times and it wasn’t just with one individual it was a few different folks.    so.. I had to stop and really think that maybe i’m the problem, maybe i’m giving off a bad vibe that is translating into a mirror coming back to me..  I spent a few days after each encounter to think about what I said, how I came across and I finally closed that I am being normal, but I need to not take anothers reaction as a negative to me, vs. just their reality at that moment.  I don’t know what’s going on with them nor should I judge or translate the behavior.

So..  as I continue to get more mindful, here is one thing I can say..    Be Nice to others.   know how you come across.   don’t be mean or turn your nose up if another doesn’t meet your criteria for whatever..  just be nice..

  • I accept things that I can’t change.
  • I accept those around me for what & who they are.
  • I accept that I am still a student in being mindful and I continue to learn.
  • I accept that life is too short to let small stuff bother me and I let it go!

HILLY

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Laugh like there is no tomorrow

I can’t remember the last time that I had such a great weekend, from lumineers, moonraker, Christmas gift wrapping, shopping, infusion, etc..

However, one thing that has made this weekend even more than anything is the great laughter, I laughed so hard last night and it made me remember how good it is to laugh, to stop being so serious and just enjoy the experience as they come.

What else?   I’m still learning every day and while some learnings are more sporty than others, I will keep learning and grow!     HILLY

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Search not, want not, seek not, being good with being present

Finding my happiness again.

I am a bit surprised at myself for having this blog to even write. I find myself not that happy recently with how things are going (work, life, finances, etc..) and I realize that I need to fix my outlook, my outward presence and definitely learn to love where I am at more than I am. I was thinking about going on a trip, starting a new hobby, joining a new social group and for me I think what I’m going to focus on is the “path to buying my house”. I know there is much I can do, plan and execute on just for the path to get there, so why not make this my focus. And.. with that find my happiness in the journey, not the end state, but rather how I get to the house. So where to start?

  • Less is More ! – it’s time to down size even more of what I have so that moving is easier and just focus on what I really need for my family. I really need to purge from the house so that there is no clutter, I mean there is not a lot of clutter right now, but I want to reduce even more.
  • Reduce my financial stress – with major changes ahead, daughter turned 18, house, etc.. I feel that if I can only work on my finances one day a week or twice a month I can reduce the stress that I put into my financial planning. Checking the account daily is great if you are super paranoid, however it is a drain on my system.
  • Surround myself with positive people – I own this and I know I can do this, I just needed a good reminder to look around and surround myself with positive people that help ZAPP me into action so we can feed off each other. I think I got into a routine slump that doesn’t help with finding happiness.. so it’s time to start.
  • Workout & Nutrients – I started with a great cleanse, it went well, my body loved it, but after a few holiday’s it was quick to scale back a little bit and I need to keep strong on my routine. When I’m in a routine for workout & health I feel spectacular.

Now I’m off to travel for a few days and of course I packed my workout bands, nutrients, and planning to focus on my attitude to get to more positivity & happiness. Here’s to what I learn on this next journey ahead.

HILLY

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TIME – the one thing that matters

I rewrote this intro sentence like 10 times as I didn’t want to start this post on a negative note, but I also wanted to ensure that I kept pure to me and who I am.   so..  I’ll just start..  Time is important, giving it, consuming it, thinking about it, time is the real gift from another and what you can give of yourself.    I was recently asked to give time for something that I just couldn’t and I have to protect not just my time but my heart/body/soul.   Not all requests for time get a “YES”!   My compass reminds me of what is important, what my north star is, I know I’m not perfect, but i’m also not a sponge to absorb others self fulfilling fdbk about themselves that needs to be said out loud.  Anyways.. so why talk about time?   well recently I have had less than normal, busy time at work and just getting myself to a place of peace and center.

As I sit here at the beach, hearing the waves crashing, wind blowing and < 50 degree weather I remind myself that not all journeys are meant to have self discovery, then I realize that my comment for myself is “TIME”.   Spend it wisely.  Invest your time in the activities that will help you grow, stay true to yourself and also to those that will invest back in you.

Now time to fuel up for a big surf morning tomorrow..  Hopefully the wind stops, waves are perfect and the water keeps me grounded.     Surf ON!

HILLY

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Unpacking sucks!

You know the feeling when you are moving into a new home and you start to unpack your boxes.  You try to figure out where everything goes, how will use it, when will you use it, will you ever use it again?   You go one box at a time and it feels daunting and makes you want to take breaks as you are going to ensure you are breathing, staying fed and also getting ready for whatever is ahead (work, play, etc..) .     Nothing like opening a box you forgot you packed of old mementos, crazy one off items, and memories that you forgot you had.   Getting back to unpacking, you open your pantry, drawers, cabinets and start to put things away (of course after cleaning the shelves, lining them, etc..), you take a moment to look at how the dishes all fit nicely in place, how there’s a pattern to it all and for that very moment it all makes sense, even though it’s just unpacking you have a mental breakthrough, you start to get it.    You stop, breathe and say “wow” so that’s what it is, that’s why it all fits, that’s why I kept those items.    So.. am I moving?  Nope (not yet), but what is the deal w/ this unpacking theme then?

Well.    Your brain & heart are just like a home, I have recently unpacked more of my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts and had a few “wow” moments as I was going through it.  I didn’t expect to have this “unpacking” happen, but I’m certainly glad now that I did.   I appreciate the catalyst to this move more than that person knows, but I’m sure they will.    So now that I start to understand the unpacking I can start to put the pieces in place to reflect, understand and grow as I move forward.

Would I like to share out my flow charts of feelings, experiences that make me who I am?   Yes, but not really, it’s who I am and is very close to my chest.   So..  yah..

Thank you.     HILLY

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Look Inside. remember your North Star

This last week I was asked for my latest tattoo and I quickly said my compass rose.   Then I took a moment to reflect on why I got this tattoo and why it is important to me.  I spent many years seeing things that would challenge me on my values, my perspectives and moral compass.  I always took a breath and focused on what I know is right for my me, my family and for what I’m going through.    I know it hurt a lot to go through these transitions, but it was necessary to get here today.    Without an epic journey, life would not be the same (epic), it would be sterile, non feeling, lame, etc..  so I think my journey will be one to capture for a great novel, a great journey that are made for paper books.

Let’s shift.   Onto peace inside.   Knowing your north star is important, it helps when you feel beat down, weak, full of emotion to remember what you stand for, what it is that propels you into the morning so you can crush your next day.  I have to say that knowing my internal peace remains a challenge for me, making sure I remember how to center and get back to “60” is so important for me.   I have so much energy, passion, love and feelings that I have to be very aware of how that exits my body.   I was reminded this week of this very thing and while it was a good reminder, I had to take a moment and really think about how am I focused on hearing my internal peace, how am I knowing when I am centered so I can achieve and show up the way I want to.   I wonder how people can go their whole life without knowing how to center.. I just can’t imagine, but that’s not my quest to solve. Mine is right here, right now, right in front of me.    Making sure that I live a life of “Center” and that I know what I stand for.

Shift again?  sure why not..  My mind is shifting all over the place.   last week I was out at the beach and I one regret is that I didn’t just let GO and really feel the experience for what it was worth.. Meaning listening to the waves, walking in the sand, watching the waves come in..   I do regret not bringing my surfboard as well, but I”ll fix that.   getting back.. I didn’t  RELAX and really be there and for that I know I need to try it again.   I need to get back to CENTER, but also pull from 120 back to 60 to see how it positively impacts my day to day, my influence and my overall well being.  (welcome to my personal mega goal).

Shift again?   yup..    2017 was to be a major milestone year and it is not even finished yet.  I am looking forward to all the milestones, what it will bring and I need to be better about celebrating them with the right activity to ensure that I remember what an epic journey this has been.    Here’s to the next few months of major milestones and keeping myself grounded as I proceed forward through them.    #Onward

That’s it for this post, tonight, etc..   I hope you find your peace, love your journey and who knows what the future will hold so keep breathing, be resilient and make sure you take care of your brain, heart, soul, health, peace, karma, faith, etc..      I love you!

HILLY

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Center.   Returning to it. 

I found myself this week with down from too many inputs and negativity around me.  It’s hard to not get wrapped up in the crap that comes at you but yet it happens.    I had to take a step and decided to take a FB break for awhile and just focus on what I need and want.   But not just a selfish quest but one of returning to center, returning to 40 not 120 mph so that I can be a leader for my kids.    Yah I fall down but sure as shtt I get up and kick some butt.   

Today I feel it was all about getting up! Getting both feet under me and then prepare to find center.    I’m glad I’m not done learning but dang it hurts when you grow.  Kinda like a monster workout.      I was pleasantly surprised I’m down 9lbs in the last month (not sure how that happened).   Hopefully that trend continues.   :).   

This can’t all be wha wha.   So I’ll shift.  I’m stoked my kids are all amazing humans , I have my key friends around me that I love and I’m stoked about the next 6 years preparing for the next big chapter.     

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Do Good, It Matters!

I think this title does it’s own justice.   Do Good, It Matters!.   I don’t care where you are in your life, economic status, life status, etc..  do good.   be nice, be kind, forgive and look for the positive in everything.    It does matter.  If you have a clear conscience it matters.  You will live longer, happier and just be at peace.

Do Good, It Matters!

-HILLY

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