Earlier this week I went paddle boarding up in Auburn ( it was amazing ), and I jumped into the water, or should I say I feel backwards on purpose to get wet since it was so HOT. I heard a POP sound in one of my ears and finally today I decided to go see the doctor to see what is up (not painful, but irritating) with it. before I get to the results, all my heart, pulse & weight #s are PRIMO!. My heart is beating at a great rate, BP is actually better than good, almost EPIC. AS for my weight, well i’ve kept it at the same # for 3 months’, so It’s time to dial up my workouts & continue my quest to eat better ( slow & steady is my path on this one – not freaking out over a pound here or there, just changing my habits).
okay.. back to the ear. He checked it out and said that I should probably not fly any where for a bit, but no rupture, no major fluid and I’m cleared to go swim/snorkel which is great news since I’m headed out there again very very soon.
So what’s the learning? well the doctor asked me what my heart tattoo was about. I told him after my heart challenges that my tat is a reminder that every day is a new day, you don’t know how much time you have left so you have to get out there & do what you can. Whether that be learning something new, paddle boarding, surfing, sky diving, etc… He said he was having this very conversation with his spouse about if you just work, invest, save for a future retirement that may never come (aka – you wont’ be here anymore). He shared with me that recently a patient he had was diagnosed with brain cancer and was given a specific amount of time to live. He said this made a huge impact on him and that he was on the same page now – each day is a gift.. use it..
Here’s the learning. We all mess up, we all do something we regret, the best is get past it, each day is a new day.. get out there, make a difference, enjoy what you love to do, if you don’t know what gives you passion, then be like “yes man” and try try try..
I realize that the recent posts have been very introspective, so let’s NOT do that this time.. Here’s fathers day w/ a kickin song “Dirty Heads – That’s all I need”.. thanks to the CSchuler for that band & song find..
I’m planning on shooting more video tomorrow with just raw a&& fun.. so.. ENJOY.. Turn it up loud..
I haven’t written in awhile and there has been a lot going on that needs to be written. So.. where to start?
Most pressing on my mind is around the “moral compass”, so I’m going to start there. In 2001 I started writing a book where I discuss going through work & life changes and how to detect, define and then make changes based on what is happening around you. I picked the book back up this week to review it, make adds and overall get a feel of if I had said enough. Well. I have not said enough, there are more chapters to write and I noticed how a lot of blogs could integrate nicely into the book. so.. why does this all matter? in the book I started one of the chapters like this..
“A major form of motivation for this book is that I believe that in all people there is an inner will to be better, to drive to more successes and that sometimes the right tools and people are not available to make this happen. ”
I still agree with this statement and I do believe in all humans there is an inner will to be better. however, I will say that sometimes the lens has been so skewed that doing the right thing or focusing on doing better is not what is focused on. I have found myself a few times over the last week asking myself what is my moral compass? how should I react to a given situation, what should I focus on, how can I not make others upset by speaking the truth, how can I not get thrashed on while preserving my compass. Well, as you can imagine it was like 3 highways in so-cal merging into a one way downtown road.. a frickin chaotic explosion of noise & ugh. While I was out enjoying some good parenting time with my son in so-cal I was faced with three “moral compass” challenges with folks not on the trip. I know my reactions matter, how I handle things matter and also being a good role model for my son is very important to me. As the situations emerged I had to check myself before any reaction, I had to think thru it and sometimes that meant me saying “I need a minute to process” and think through all the different data points. To me this is like applying every life filter, experience, moral compass, financial impact, etc.. This was not easy in the midst of trying to enjoy the vacation and I had to employ my mindfulness (meditation) activities real time throughout the trip. I found my quiet times were focused on breathing, getting centered and letting go of the swell of emotions that were brought up. Let’s be clear, when i say emotions I’m not talking about “oh I miss that person”.. nope it was all the feelings of what had happened and all the scars were ripped off again kinda of emotions.. (cool visual huh)..
so.. how did it go? well I had pushed to the point where I had to react and be very direct, holding others accountable for their actions. I focus my life on being positive, so for me to get this point of having to hold others accountable for bad behavior was no small feat. I did realize that my tolerance has decreased over the years of bad behavior and my words are getting more succinct than ever (bonus). Nonetheless I held one person accountable and that was met with such a jaded response I had to take a moment to reflect on what happened.. While I won’t get into the details, because only a few should know the inside scoop, the situation helped me understand that for some folks you have to hold them accountable and then let them go learn on their own.. Let them fall, let them learn however that will happen.. It’s not my responsibility to help them thru.. it’s my responsibility to be honest & true to myself. Hold my moral compass up and be able to look myself in the mirror every day… not somebody else.. This was a good learning, however I do have remorse for the level of accountability I had to discuss with that individual.. it sucks.. that sucked… etc… okay.. so.. Net Net: (here comes the cliché comment).. “You know your own truth” nobody can tell you it.. so own it..
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Let’s keep going on this quest.. shall we? I have spent two weeks on vacation so far (50% done) and the first week was all about getting my house (physical house) in order. My focus was to make it a home for my kids and I. Making it a place of peace, love & kindness. Establishing new norms, purging out old stuff not needed and overall I pushed really hard to make it happen in a week (insert the “oh tenderfoot”), and as you can imagine it’s not a one week process.. it’s a journey in of itself. Now that I’m on week #2 things are shaping good, it will just take time to make it a home. Whether it’s the new kitchen table that is absent right now to the garage being 100% organized, to all the walls being decorated as we’d like, etc.. Time will make it a home and also the great experiences that will happen there/here. Week #2 was all about getting out of the house, from camping at the coast, to a trip to so-cal to being gone from the home. It was amazing and I’ll discuss more in a minute, but for now it was a great reset when I came back..
Okay.. let’s shift to spiders, black waste tubes and crabbing.. Okay.. first let’s start with the most recent. I took my son on a trip to So-Cal to do a few things: Beach – hopefully to get into the ocean, legoland – of course (if you know me then you know this), and hit a few museums, surf locations, colleges.. Well my youngest isn’t really the beach go-er as I’m finding out. while he enjoys it, he’s not like me in regards to wanting to go tackle waves and get out there to surf. So we spent a few opportunities at the beach and it was peaceful, but I’m looking forward to surfing next time with my gear and testing my limits (dropping in on a right faced beautiful wave). In regards to Legoland it was EPIC as always, the new adds are amazing and the master builders there have upped their game on the mini land (especially star wars). Now for more epic-ness, I decided to rent a convertible vehicle, since he had never driven in one. I went after a Camaro, however upon arrival all they had was a brand new “mustang”. We both were very pleased by this, especially since my oldest loves mustangs it would be fun to try what he has owned a few of. We pulled the top down, sync’d up my phone and jammed with some “Dirty Heads – ‘All I need'” on the speakers. Dang life was good, he was smiling ear to ear and we were both present in that moment. Okay. fast forward to our last night there, Dirty heads still playing, top down, driving into the food part of the town and we both saw a spider, about a 1/2 inch wide. I thought for sure it was on the outside of the window, oh but I was W R O N G .. it was on the inside that sucker was about to have some fun with us.. I took my hat, tried to swipe it off the window, I failed.. it fell on my leg and then immediately fell to the mat and crawled under the seat. I safely pulled over, used the cell flashlight to inspect every part of the car, which was tough AF and I couldn’t find it.. At that very moment I took a deep breath and said to myself. My kid is watching how I respond to this, we have no option but to get back in and keep going.. so we did. we both were constantly looking at our legs the entire trip back to the hotel. Yah I’m not a fan of spiders.. sorry but nope.. so upon returning the car we told the rental gal that there was a big a&& spider in there.. she navigated away from the car quickly.. LOL. sorry whoever gets that next.. somebody is living in there.. Enjoy that..
let’s continue on to Black Waste Tubes.. Part of camping is about dumping your dumps at the station. This last camping trip to the coast was like a scene out of the movie RV. First, the camping trip was awesome, met some new folks and had a great time learning how to crab from the kayak (I will be doing that again). but let’s get back to the waste. So as we were leaving the camp site, we hit up the station to remove all the crap (literally) from the RV. We first went to where I normally dump, I walked up 5 cars to the station to see what was going on and check out the setup (is there a water hose, etc..), I spent a few moments laughing about getting a spreader & a splitter (RV quote) with the guys, but I quickly realized the guy dropping was his first time so I walked back to the truck, looked ahead and saw the next station had 2 cars in line.. (BINGO.. let’s go).. so we drove ahead to the next station, the guys at the last station all waved and understood. this is when it gets good… we pulled up to the line, there was now only one RV at the station.. Jackpot! I was thinking oh yah.. one and done and we are on the road home.. well. not so much.. Three folks got out of the RV and it appeared at first that they knew what to do.. oh was I wrong about that.. They pulled out some “new” “jazzy” hose/waste tube that pulls it all together in one apparatus.. they hooked up the water line to it.. then … (hold.. if your eating.. I would not read this part.. ) Okay.. so they didn’t hook up the waste line, instead they opened up the black line, then opened up the big tube and then tried to hook up the large black line (backwards). the onslaught of green, fecal matter exploded out onto the person.. unfortunately the person was wearing flip flops (sandals) and all that glorious sick water went all over that persons feet. But that’s not all. there was a few items that got caught on the big tube, so the individual used their bare hands to grab it out of the tube to fix the clog.. realize that it was just openly pouring into the waste wash and then draining into the right tube. OMG it got worse (how could it?). well they didn’t have gloves so they got plastic bags and started picking up the big pieces and putting it into the waste line. I was laughing so hard (inside of my truck cab) that I couldn’t handle it.. I knew I should have recorded it. So.. then they pulled gray water line w/o having it hooked up as well. so then that dumped out.. flip flops, gray water.. YUCK YUCK.. so then after the gray water was done, they hooked up their flush line and did that.. and what felt like an hour of watching them flushing the line all the stuff was already out of the RV (or so we thought). so they washed down part of their mess from the station and drove away.. well. they forgot to close their lines and spilt matter the entire way out of the camp ground.. YUCK YUCK YUCK.. I may be a novice RV’r, but that was an epic fail. #FAIL. So what’s the lesson on the RV trip? not sure yet. but the time spent camping was amazing! good memories had.
and how about a summary paragraph to shore this all up in a few sentences. Nope.. I’ll exit this post this way.. You know your truth, nobody else does.
As I woke up this morning, I felt a rush of joy, peace, tranquility and relaxation upon me. I decided to take a moment and remember to enjoy every moment, every passing minute, don’t think too much about the future, just be here in this moment. I made a mug of coffee in my new starbucks mug (barely used because it was on a different shelf and has been forgotten- but it is now found) and open up the house (yah my house.. I did this!) and reflect on this.. Nobody knows your truth, your pain, your feelings, your courage, your love, your compass as much as you do.. so there is no path that another can tell you to take. it’s your path, your way.. so “Make it your own way” – Walter Mitty.
Why Walter Mitty? There is so much in this movie, from enjoying moments to having the courage to go after what you want, to taking risks to feel. As I think about my next adventure (while on sabbatical) I’m planning to do more of this….
Have an amazing Wednesday, June 20th, 2018. You know you, don’t let anybody else tear you down for whatever reason they are trying to and reflect on the moment.. right here.. right now!..
I’m jumping right into it.. w/ no delay. Thursday night as I sat in the airport in Oregon i received some interesting news which would have blue screened me in years prior. However, I did not, I got irritated, upset & mad. But I quickly went into taking a big step back and taking it for what it was worth.. It took about a full day to really click my mind into a place where I could move from an “emotional” response to a “business” response. Now that my mind shifted I am actually giving the sender of the email major props for the # of strategic comments.. I mean it’s quite good and may have created an opportunity for an approval if I was a DA. However, wrong person to not think I would see thru it all.
So.. I have learned the lesson! I see thru the emotional jazz to see the real strategy and I have a game plan to go after the next step.. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow over the last 7 years and I feel that I can get better at going from UPSET –> Biz mode.
Now.. here’s the song to help me thru it all.. Pearl Jam – Just Breathe
Well after much planning, thinking and reflecting I decided it’s time to change positions (job role) at work. What is funny is that I am following my own advice and truly listening to what I have been telling my team. Find where the puck is going and re invent yourself if you need to. For me I’m making a shift back to a technical role and shift into true sales. I’m excited, nervous but I am ready to jump in with both feet.
Here’s to more experiences and adventures.
First, happy mothers day all. I hope your day is awesome and you feel appreciated for all that you have done & do daily. Parenting is a hard job and being a mother is even harder than that. I wish you goodness all year.
Back to the house. When i sold my last house I didn’t have a plan beyond just getting my feet back under me and making the constant chaos STOP. Well it took a little while for that to happen and there were a few new challenges these last two years that could have kicked my butt back to square one. However, it did not. Yesterday 5/12 I got the keys to my new house (new to me) and I am seeing all the hard work that I have endured these last two years is starting to pay off. I know there will be more challenges ahead, however for now I am happy, this house will quickly become my home and a place to get peace. I know that I have seek’d to build patience and I think I’m getting there. Whether it’s how I will paint the house, getting movers on their schedule, to just the setup process at the new house.. I am actively being patient.
Okay.. what else? Well.. Let me get this house a HOME and I will share out some of the photos and experiences that this house will enable.
Have a great day.. give a shout out to your mom, whether here or in heaven…
Ever since I was in a relationship in 1993, I have been on the “march of life”, meaning to constantly looking ahead, what is next, what needs to happen, where, how, when.. etc. I see now it was all about moving forward with speed & velocity, whether it was the amount I was making, the house my kids mom desired, to having the yearly vacations that were desired to prove our status. The reality of “march of life” was a lot, it made for less planning, zero thoughtful reflection and even no true self growth. I can remember how I felt during all of these years and it was exhausting, not a lot of fun and was so much about GO GO GO that the end state was not even worth the march. I can now truly reflect on my first heart surgery & say WTH was I thinking.. I went from countless procedures to then surgery and tried to go back to work within a few days for what reason? To keep the “march of life” going, to keep going forward and not embrace the reality of today. I was so caught in the wheel I couldn’t see why I was running beyond “RUN”. I remember not feeling complete after surgery, the support was MIA @ Home, my kids were awesome, but not equipped at that age to help me through the dark times of post-surgery. I was not complete, I didn’t get a chance to stop, reflect, learn about myself and find out how I changed from a teenager to a 30 year old with new needs, health, thoughts, etc…
I’m choosing to fast forward thru a few chapters to having that same feeling w/ wife #2, the “march of life” was on, I didn’t even give myself a moment after the first relationship to be me, to reflect, get comfortable with who I was, know what makes me tick.. Instead I ran forward with a renewed spirit of GO GO GO. I’ve said before what happened here or at least enough to know it was not the best situation from my family. So I move from that to more GO GO GO, I start to focus on what is next, thinking ahead ahead ahead.. present is for the past (etc).. but I didn’t get the message that I needed to STOP, Listen & reflect. I hit a few walls and literally messed up my body (from skating, moto riding, bicycling, etc..) and I kept coming back harder & ready to GO, but I didn’t stop and say. “WTH”. As you can imagine, this is a build up.. so here goes..
In January ’18, I thought I was being cool going in for a proactive physical and I knew that it was going to be a SH&& Show, I just didn’t know how much it would be. I was working that morning, I took in a few cups of coffee, hit an espresso shot and headed off to the doctors. (coffee – why not before you get a physical – DA&&). After spending a few moments of pleasantry it was time for the blood pressure.. this when the fireworks started.. I was running HOT, really HOT on my BP, so it went right to EKG and then it was a “drive to ER NOW!, tell them you are tacking”. OMFG – what? 3 days later I was released from the hospital and it was like a small smack, but the reality of what was to come was not even present in mind. I kept rocking “march of life”, let’s go baby.. back to work, back to crappy ish food and of course hops.. I kept it going strong without taking a moment until the call came in, early march.. We have a cancelled apt we can do your surgery next Friday.. OH F. wait what? When? Okay.. let’s rock it.. thinking.. “march of life baby”.. let’s get it done and keep getting back to the future.
Well.. it didn’t go that way, not at all. Surgery was brutal for all involved, 10 hours inside of my heart, intensity 10x. I woke up dazed, confused and was still in a “let’s GO”. That’s done now.. but that was not the plan for me.. My heart needed and still needs more healing. Over the course of the first week the daily/nightly challenges were never ending and I didn’t remember how brutal it was. Challenges included: Breathing, eating, bathroom, walking, headaches, muscle atrophy, .. I sound like I’m 90 years old, but holy moly it was brutal. Instead of taking each on and going for the GO GO GO. I decided to figure out exactly why it was happening, what I could do to remedy (both meds & natural) and then worked each towards a solution. For two nights I had my dad’s spare CPAP machine blowing oxygen into my lungs which was a God sends, a few nights my headaches were straight out of a grinder with so much pressure, but the best (sarcasm) is when I started one of many new meds that the next day I called my doctor and said I didn’t sleep well.. she said “you had nightmares didn’t you”.. um yah.. it was straight up from a biblical apocalypse, woke up sweated out and screaming.. yah… that was not fun.. but now that meds is a NO GO for me.. This is just the highlights, the rest was just more learnings for me.
So. I made the mistake of jumping on email and was quickly corrected to stop, which I do appreciate. My stress of not working was so CRAZY HIGH “march of life”.. GO GO GO.. that not until I got corrected I was still worrying about everything at work instead of fully embracing what was happening with me. I finally had to let it go and know that my co-workers, boss & partners have my back. I need to get fully healthy & then return when it’s time. Okay. so now I’m 2 days into seeing recovery working, I’ve been to the gym, I’ve lost 15 pounds (more to go), I’m eating better than my entire adulthood, I’m spending more time thinking through what I’m doing and I have really enjoyed spending present time (phone or in person) with my grown kids.
What does this all mean? I feel for the first time in my adulthood I am taking time for me, to learn, reflect, feel and understand than I ever have. I am appreciative of my mindful training, my exec coach and all the prep to have tools available that have helped me. I am appreciative for all the time at church growing up, yes I have prayed a lot during the last few weeks and I am glad I have that upbringing. So where now? Well I’m in the middle of it right now.. I have 1.5 weeks til I return to work, I havent’ slept a full night yet ( that’s my goal ) and I’d like to really feel every feeling that is happening.. “be present”. While I have not fully shifted from “march of life” to something else I know that the future will not be a conveyor belt of GO GO GO.
Thank you for listening.. I had to get these words down tonight to be present with these thoughts and feel it!.
I decided to take a small break from social media to focus on the next few months of activities ahead. I know the road ahead has great things and a few “embrace the suck” items that will test my peace.
So why take a break? Well. I had an “embrace the suck” moment this week and I failed miserably at keeping my cool, staying level headed and I blue screened. I was not happy with myself and I realize I have more work to do to achieve my inner zen. I’m hoping to get some ocean time soon and reflect on how I can achieve more strength.
I hope to still write and share my journey here as always.