Today is a day about reflection

I tried so hard to sleep in today, to get more rest, to wake up with an extra bounce in my step (yah. x-tra tigger mode). But yet I woke up early, stretched and decided to finish out this new show.  This new show I was given a sticky note 2 weeks ago w/ the name on it from a peer at work.  She said “you have to check this out” and I am so glad that I did.  I was a little absorbed in watching in these last two weeks but as the show came to end this morning I cried.  It swelled a lot of emotions with me and I had to stop and say why am I crying (seriously).    I quickly rolodexed my thoughts, flipping thru each one like was that why? how about this one?   was it my mom, was it failures, was it missing my kids, was it missing the woman I love, was it feelings of joy of the home I have created, was it the challenges in my new role @ work, was it.. was it.. was it..   darn that rolodex was full of ‘was it’ and I had to stop that entire process and just breathe.   I am human, I have feelings and this morning was about just letting that all go and letting me feel.

This morning as I sit in my living room, looking at a table I built, looking around at the Family Pub like environment I have created that is ready for awesome memories I think dang.. I did it.  I finally did it.   It took me a long time to get here but this is not the end of the journey this is just a milestone and I get that.  This show I watched had a lot of tearing down, building back up of businesses and relationships.  That resonated with me, I have gone through so many changes so many different experiences that I need to let that sink in.   With each experience I grow more, I learn more, I embrace more, but I don’t do well on taking it all in at the moment.  No, this is not a “youv’e read to much of your self help books josh”.  This is real.   This moment right now I am thankful of everything to get me here, my family, my health, my relationships, my work, my passions, my drive.

Last week i received a text I would never imagine that I would ever get.   before I say it, let me set the back drop.  My mom recently had a medical emergency, my brother, my dad & I all rallied to the hospital.   The end result was that my mom needs to relax more (that is my non professional opinion).     I know she was stressed after and dang how the brain fools you with making you think something is happening again.   for example, after my heart surgery (the 2nd time) I kept feeling like it was happening again & again & again. .It was like ground hogs day over & over again.. it was seriously crappy, but after much meditation and refocusing I found my path thru that and now after 6 months I feel so much better.   For her she was just starting that pattern and I got a tip that this was happening..  So, i reached out to her and explained what i had gone thru and that my mind was playing havoc on my anxiety and kept fooling me into thinking it was happening again.  I told her it was normal, and that she can control that.    she said   “you are very wise”.    OMG what?  nope. I’ve lived thru so much crap that it would take a lifetime to write it down.   but  yet i cried and I still am getting teared up right now thinking about that.   They raised me, they created my life, they shaped me, but now I realized that after I left home my journey is mine, my shaping, influences, fun, destruction, happiness, sadness were through my journey.    So what’s my point?   We are all wise from our journeys.   Be kind to others and listen, their experiences have nuggets that can help you.   back to my mom.   I’m just glad she is doing better.

I was asked recently how my new role is going and I said it will be great in 2 months, the best job ever.   Then i was reminded friday from a really good friend that if your not challenged you will be bored.   Darn he was right.  is this the best job ever?  I’ll answer that now.    This job has made me pull every bloody scrap of knowledge from my brain, from tech, leadership, analytics, thinking, math, programming, partnerships, strategy, writing, communicating, etc..    I am using everything, it is exhausting, hard, tough, but DAMN it is rewarding.   I could have not done this role prior, now is the time and I am glad that I have been through everything prior to this to make me ready.   My only gotcha is that I need to embrace when my brain hurts, when my ideas fail me, when I can’t ponder how to fix “it”, I need to stop and say ‘this is awesome’.   so..   I love my job, I love what I do, I love it and I will recognize that better.

Okay..  time to shut the flap (close the laptop), get some coffee/water & figure out what awesome memory my son and I will create today..      I hope you have a great day, or whatever day/time you are reading this you enjoy that day, that time, that moment.. cry, feel things, be real, let go and be you..


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